Struggle

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Two opposing realities… where one is just a dream, the other a fantasy.
Is it your blind faith or your hopelessness?
What do I represent to you?
‘Nothing else in the Dunya has any worth’
Is it because I showed you love?

Nothing by chance. Qadr Allah.
What significance to our meeting?
The implosion of two hurt souls.
A child so beautiful to behold.
What is she owed?

This pressure in my brain… the knowledge of what must unfold
A certainty against a backdrop of the untold.
A resolution of the irrevocable… is this all still just impossible?

Faith in Allah for ‘verily He loves those who place their trust in Him.’
My head spins
At the magnitude… at the certitude… at the fact that you have become ‘that’ you.
Who am I to question your path?
Who am I to ask?
Have we reached an impasse?

‘You could never love someone like me’ you screamed in the dark;
Enraged at the wrongs that crushed your soul…
But the heart knows-
I did love you and all I wanted was to hold, console and make you whole… to fill that gaping hole.

‘Tell me now that you hate me!’
But I could not let you go,
Clinging to you as you clung to me with your desperate choke-hold;
Forcing me to go, willing me to know…

Destructive cycles, self-fulfilling prophecies of old… pushing me away to prove that I would go,
Learning too late that the flagellation couldn’t break that heart-hold.
Putting distances of miles, centuries and insurmountables between us only to be told-
‘I love you and I never let you go’
Even apart I always felt your soul.

What we had wasn’t based on unity.
Its roots were firmly sunk in agony.
Did you ever even love me?
I can feel that nothing much remains…
Of what it used to be…
No longer ‘devotion’… a pulling away.

Do I even want you to stay?
What would it take?
A total annihilation of self…
Then who would I be?
If all of me was effaced.

You threw it all away.
Should I relinquish who I was created to be?
This life is not a game.
Should I exist merely as an accessory to your pain?

You’ve lost interest…
As I knew that you would- all along…
As I knew that you would once you had attained your goal…
Regained control…
Only Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has a claim to my soul.

Can I pick up where I left off when I put my life back on hold
Move back into the light…
Back towards the unknown…
This darkness depletes me
Stay or go

Living through my own recurring worst nightmare…
this doesn’t feel like that dream…
Where I lie in your arms and your love for me covers me…
Where you’d swallow your whole pride whole not to damage me…
Where you’d take on the whole wide world… just to ‘stand by me’…

I don’t know what scares me most…
Is it the eternally being without you?
Or that you just might let me go?
Or is it the stepping out into that black hole?

In truth you’re already gone and were never really here
I was always fighting this battle alone.
A beautiful dream; heart-breakingly painful to recall…
Like a mirage it has always been unrealised;
Spurring me on… to my own demise.

So…

The question then isn’t how I can change you but whether I can ‘sustain’ you
Or whether I’ll sever the chains that bind my soul.
And finally, achingly, truly let you go…

I don’t yet know

2014

Taking Risks

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I have taken many risks. I can’t remember when I became a risk-taker or for that matter when fear started to encroach upon my horizon and make me hesitant… I lost my sense-of self for a time… taking risks.  I became so bogged down in the consequences of my blind risk-taking, taking risks I didn’t even realise were such until retrospect as it characteristically does, stepped in with its hindsight-wisdom. I took risks and I paid the price of impulsivity and I lost my way for a time… I lost my way whilst being unaware of where it was I was going… I didn’t know the location, the destination was unknown and the purpose of the journey was hidden from me… veiled… unclear. I lost my way and became entrenched in the things one becomes entrenched in… and they broke me down… living ‘where they wild things are’. I finally learned to mistrust, after brightly claiming I wasn’t given to such, and became enmeshed in things that eroded my vitality… and left me crumbling… I tried to grasp that glowing ember; that fast extinguishing flame; that flickering pilot inside me, that recognised that I have a soul… that which responded to the right words… hidden within the mindy-riddle of his broken world. I ultimately crumbled and began to come apart, my tortured mind began to bear the brunt of my battered heart. I took a risk. I fled, I wandered, I tried to hold fast to who I’d been, I strove to go forward to who they said I should have been. I struck out into the unknown, casting off into the abyss…

I took the risk that He would catch me and… He did.

inna lillahi wa inna lilayhi raji’un

ill-at-ease

Through it all I slept soundly
Despite the gravity
My nights were my reprieve
I marvelled at my capacity to sink instantly into a state of soundless relief
To pass out of my traumatised self
To take my leave

Now I’m anxious at the very thoughts of sleep
At the risk of coming face to face with you as I have of late
With unbearable intensity
Flashes of nightmarish scenes
Depths from which I can’t escape
Frantic

Sitting in on your inquisition unwillingly
Core shaken by new revelations
Layers stripped to display darkness previously unperceived
Or walking side by side in pregnant silence publicly
Reluctant to utter a single word to you that could be misconstrued
Hiding in plain sight

Taking unfamiliar streets at a too-fast pace
World rendered black and white and grey
Robbed of reality
An old friend hurries past
Face averted so as not to have to see
My apparent hell-bent on throwing my life at your feet repeatedly

My breath held in desperate anticipation of some explanation
Some alleviation
Unable to make out who you are in this hall of mirrors
Speaking your ‘truth’ unabashedly
Your singular brand of veracity
Your lack of mercy and words that cut too deep

Realising again that there are no extenuating answers
That there’s nothing here for me
Same old scornful take-it-or-leave
Same old remorseless deceit
Same old mind-mess
Same old recipe for my own destruction

Keeping you at arms-length in the daylight became easy
But you’ve found a way to penetrate my dreams
Now when I slumber in search of peace I’m restless
Awakening in cold sweat
Drained of all my energy
From sleeping with the enemy

04.08.17

Is it too unpalatable a word?
A violation then
Born, then, of a violation
The act, which finally reft the last fraying fibres of that catastrophic union of two troubled souls

29.12.2014