‘Who I am’ used to be fixed and delineated clearly; this was not just simply in my ‘mind’ but in my being and in my very certain sense-of-self. This ‘self’ was not a fluid entity, it did not ebb and flow and it was non-negotiable. I was centred and anchored, if always yearning for something out of sight and reach and comprehension. Life has tested what I thought I knew about myself; the complexity and the ‘black and white’, and has left me floundering to understand where I fit in this universal state of ‘being’; which parts are ‘genuinely’ me and how in fact to ‘be’. There are times my head swims; when it seems I have no ‘core’ no ‘central being’ and that I might be washed away or drown. This leaves me almost constantly uneasy and is torturous at times. The longing for clarity, stability and tranquility of ‘mind’ won’t be denied and often sends me spiraling into a vertigo-inducing state. Trying to be the person you think you ought to be can be counterproductive but hard to move away from. Just as you think you’re making progress a glimpse of ‘self’ will flit by the eye-of-your-mind derailing you, reminding you there’s somebody already there and that you are grasping at straws.
Lately I’ve found it easier to reconcile these non-conforming ‘beliefs’ with the ‘me’ I feel I know, the one that was there from my beginning. It is no more than a shard but it is recognisable to me at least and it glides past now instead of flitting; more tangible somehow. Like something from a Science Fiction novel it almost seems a living entity; something that can become more solid with my ability to incorporate the ‘parts’ and harness the strands instead of allowing myself to be scattered by the expectations and perceptions others have of me. The ability to be my own root being without fear and uncertainty and to feel the ‘knowledge’ will allow that root to move toward fruition. I have been whittled down by this ‘worldly’ existence; it has eroded what we come here with and are born to know. A return to this will take such courage for fear is debilitating and doubt is crippling and this transient world has the propensity to suck you in and spit you out.
The times I feel I must forsake it all in order to attain the righteous way I feel that essence of my self conflicted and my peace fleeting and impossible to maintain. Pursuing unity in a circumscribed fashion has pitfalls. I wonder if I can still be someone while remaining ‘nothing to no-man’. The struggle for identity I feel is dangerous when subscribing to anything ‘fixed’ which limits or has constraints. The need to have an identity is so ingrained yet it leaves me wondering which bits to ‘write-off’/ ‘offer up’/ ‘weed out’. This simple youthful ‘identity’ did not involve the same degree of void-there was no sense of being divorced from self-this has been a cumulative thing that’s come in hand-in-hand with ‘life’-all those times I spoke from somewhere other than my inner core caused it to become depleted and ‘retreat’ until I reached a point of being shattered, clinging to threads in the hopes of holding on. Those things which appeared as life lines soon led me farther and farther from being whole. The more I live and breathe that incorrigible thing the greater the quietude my ‘self’ will know. I must strain at the leash of all that seeks to hold me to account inflexibly and strive toward what I intuitively know.