Little girl

Baby child with eyes indescribable, how should I love you? I love you to the point of heartbreak, your impossibly sweet face, defiance and tight braid… or silky cascade… one moment loving arms and adventure; gurgling laugh belying the carefree innocence of your age… the next tornado-like and bristling with unchecked rage… flashing gaze… catching me unawares and leaving me afraid… How do I rear you? I who am fractured, perhaps beyond hope of effective repair… how can I nurture your wildflower soul and your fearsome bright spirit without curbing or caging you?

You are breathtakingly, utterly, painfully beautiful. From the very first day indomitable. I fought for you… terror struck at the thoughts of losing you, so tiny, so perfect, and so brand new… so vulnerable…my daughter. You resemble me… with an essence of him… yet you’re just all your own… unlike anyone I’ve ever known. I’m in awe of you, humbled beyond comprehension that Allah chose me for you… overwhelmed by the sense that I don’t know what to do… fiercely protective, convinced that I’m failing, unsure how to guard you from the world seeking to tame you. 

I lack what you require of me and it fills me with an urgency and a compulsion to strive, to grow, to be more, to succeed, to fill my void and become whole, become all that you need… to break my own chains so that you can be free… not knowing how to proceed I fall to my knees, begging Allah to keep you from harm… to make me up to the task, worthy to be your mom.

Five years old, wisdom untold… I’m no match for you… raising a pint-sized tiger… a butterfly… fierce, fragile and fluttering, yearning to fly… to test every limit and skim every flame with your wing… and my heart quakes at the dangers that await… dear, brave, exquisite little thing… the thoughts of you suffering tears at the frayed fibres of my strained heart-strings.

I’m daunted beyond measure at the magnitude of this responsibility… these new depths of love, this anguish inside of me… Ya Rabbi help me to mother this child you’ve entrusted to me… this girl with her heart on her sleeve for the whole world to see… guide me to lead her Lord, grant us Your ease… the weight of her worth leaves me struggling to breathe and fraught with unease… ya Rahman, ya Rahim… ya Allah protect her, from whatever life brings…ameen

31/07/16

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