ill-at-ease

Through it all I slept soundly
Despite the gravity
My nights were my reprieve
I marvelled at my capacity to sink instantly into a state of soundless relief
To pass out of my traumatised self
To take my leave

Now I’m anxious at the very thoughts of sleep
At the risk of coming face to face with you as I have of late
With unbearable intensity
Flashes of nightmarish scenes
Depths from which I can’t escape
Frantic

Sitting in on your inquisition unwillingly
Core shaken by new revelations
Layers stripped to display darkness previously unperceived
Or walking side by side in pregnant silence publicly
Reluctant to utter a single word to you that could be misconstrued
Hiding in plain sight

Taking unfamiliar streets at a too-fast pace
World rendered black and white and grey
Robbed of reality
An old friend hurries past
Face averted so as not to have to see
My apparent hell-bent on throwing my life at your feet repeatedly

My breath held in desperate anticipation of some explanation
Some alleviation
Unable to make out who you are in this hall of mirrors
Speaking your ‘truth’ unabashedly
Your singular brand of veracity
Your lack of mercy and words that cut too deep

Realising again that there are no extenuating answers
That there’s nothing here for me
Same old scornful take-it-or-leave
Same old remorseless deceit
Same old mind-mess
Same old recipe for my own destruction

Keeping you at arms-length in the daylight became easy
But you’ve found a way to penetrate my dreams
Now when I slumber in search of peace I’m restless
Awakening in cold sweat
Drained of all my energy
From sleeping with the enemy

04.08.17

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