ill-at-ease

Through it all I slept soundly
Despite the gravity
My nights were my reprieve
I marvelled at my capacity to sink instantly into a state of soundless relief
To pass out of my traumatised self
To take my leave

Now I’m anxious at the very thoughts of sleep
At the risk of coming face to face with you as I have of late
With unbearable intensity
Flashes of nightmarish scenes
Depths from which I can’t escape
Frantic

Sitting in on your inquisition unwillingly
Core shaken by new revelations
Layers stripped to display darkness previously unperceived
Or walking side by side in pregnant silence publicly
Reluctant to utter a single word to you that could be misconstrued
Hiding in plain sight

Taking unfamiliar streets at a too-fast pace
World rendered black and white and grey
Robbed of reality
An old friend hurries past
Face averted so as not to have to see
My apparent hell-bent on throwing my life at your feet repeatedly

My breath held in desperate anticipation of some explanation
Some alleviation
Unable to make out who you are in this hall of mirrors
Speaking your ‘truth’ unabashedly
Your singular brand of veracity
Your lack of mercy and words that cut too deep

Realising again that there are no extenuating answers
That there’s nothing here for me
Same old scornful take-it-or-leave
Same old remorseless deceit
Same old mind-mess
Same old recipe for my own destruction

Keeping you at arms-length in the daylight became easy
But you’ve found a way to penetrate my dreams
Now when I slumber in search of peace I’m restless
Awakening in cold sweat
Drained of all my energy
From sleeping with the enemy

04.08.17

Stuff Might Come Up

cascade‘Stuff might come up’ she advised us with characteristic candour. I wondered fleetingly what could remain in me to rise to the surface; what coded secrets lay yet in the depths of my untapped unconscious. The thought checked me only momentarily… gave way to only momentary pause… before my burdened mind, struggling to keep pace with her insight-laden flow, broke free of that which it had snagged upon and resumed its headlong dash in pursuit of the underlying significance of her words, as they poured forth in ever-measured tone… fighting the previously-set limits of my comprehension in an attempt to process in real-time the complexity which she spoke… grasping at clues, implications and the edges of meaning that disappeared from the peripheral view of my consciousness… just as I thought I might catch hold… information overload.

I took her note of caution as a truth… curious only as to what it foretold… what I might stand to glean that hadn’t already been exposed, that might be unlocked and revealed to me, the magnitude of what it could potentially mean, to make the choice to lean, in, to the unknown, to the unforeseen… to inhale it and let it wash over me and go deeper than I’d ever previously been… anticipation and, somewhere lurking, anxiety… not unobserved by any means… tentatively ready, undeniably edgy, still somewhat on my guard… mentally preparing myself in that instant for the plunge… for going no-holds-barred… to go hard. Continue reading

I came to Islam after a lifetime of instability, uncertainty and ‘searching’… sometimes my searching was conscious, if not active or decided, and sometimes it was nothing more than a longing for connection; leading me in all but the desirable direction.

I wandered and strayed, had adventures and made mistakes. I experienced the exhilaration of reckless abandon; and the consequences of it. I tasted betrayal and abandonment, all manner of pain and confusion and resiliently ‘bounced back’ each time, seemingly no closer to the truth

As the flutters quickened within I became more certain in my being than I had ever been that there was an Originator… a Creator… this ‘happening’… this miracle unfolding… was too incredible to all have been by chance… all credit, as due, I attributed to One beyond my comprehension… suffice to say I was convinced of ‘something’, yet I didn’t truly seek to understand.

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