Struggle

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Two opposing realities… where one is just a dream, the other a fantasy.
Is it your blind faith or your hopelessness?
What do I represent to you?
‘Nothing else in the Dunya has any worth’
Is it because I showed you love?

Nothing by chance. Qadr Allah.
What significance to our meeting?
The implosion of two hurt souls.
A child so beautiful to behold.
What is she owed?

This pressure in my brain… the knowledge of what must unfold
A certainty against a backdrop of the untold.
A resolution of the irrevocable… is this all still just impossible?

Faith in Allah for ‘verily He loves those who place their trust in Him.’
My head spins
At the magnitude… at the certitude… at the fact that you have become ‘that’ you.
Who am I to question your path?
Who am I to ask?
Have we reached an impasse?

‘You could never love someone like me’ you screamed in the dark;
Enraged at the wrongs that crushed your soul…
But the heart knows-
I did love you and all I wanted was to hold, console and make you whole… to fill that gaping hole.

‘Tell me now that you hate me!’
But I could not let you go,
Clinging to you as you clung to me with your desperate choke-hold;
Forcing me to go, willing me to know…

Destructive cycles, self-fulfilling prophecies of old… pushing me away to prove that I would go,
Learning too late that the flagellation couldn’t break that heart-hold.
Putting distances of miles, centuries and insurmountables between us only to be told-
‘I love you and I never let you go’
Even apart I always felt your soul.

What we had wasn’t based on unity.
Its roots were firmly sunk in agony.
Did you ever even love me?
I can feel that nothing much remains…
Of what it used to be…
No longer ‘devotion’… a pulling away.

Do I even want you to stay?
What would it take?
A total annihilation of self…
Then who would I be?
If all of me was effaced.

You threw it all away.
Should I relinquish who I was created to be?
This life is not a game.
Should I exist merely as an accessory to your pain?

You’ve lost interest…
As I knew that you would- all along…
As I knew that you would once you had attained your goal…
Regained control…
Only Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has a claim to my soul.

Can I pick up where I left off when I put my life back on hold
Move back into the light…
Back towards the unknown…
This darkness depletes me
Stay or go

Living through my own recurring worst nightmare…
this doesn’t feel like that dream…
Where I lie in your arms and your love for me covers me…
Where you’d swallow your whole pride whole not to damage me…
Where you’d take on the whole wide world… just to ‘stand by me’…

I don’t know what scares me most…
Is it the eternally being without you?
Or that you just might let me go?
Or is it the stepping out into that black hole?

In truth you’re already gone and were never really here
I was always fighting this battle alone.
A beautiful dream; heart-breakingly painful to recall…
Like a mirage it has always been unrealised;
Spurring me on… to my own demise.

So…

The question then isn’t how I can change you but whether I can ‘sustain’ you
Or whether I’ll sever the chains that bind my soul.
And finally, achingly, truly let you go…

I don’t yet know

2014

Barbed Wire

Black knots and spears; silhouetted against a flame and orchid dusk; exquisite colour-palette sparking a longing to pour fourth but the words don’t come. Hemmed in by invisible tethers, inspired yet fettered, by a sense of my own words’ lack of worth… wanting to speak but afraid to say… to presume to contribute to the flow… to the discourse.

I am saturated with that which I have failed to express, that which I have suppressed; holding in the sentiments as I withhold my breath… suffocating but not dead yet. On my mark and preparing to step… into my voice… to sound it aloud, to call into the crowd, to echo in the void… slowly building inside the wherewithal to make my own noise and to convey my authentic self with my own poise.

Finally finding my own way, without need to pretend to have the answers, or to ‘fit’ … I am in myself ‘whole’; uniquely created by Him- to be just like this… to fail, to fall and rise, and to ‘make a hames of it’… to assert my imperfection… here I am… this is it.

I am sufficient; work in progress, in transition… evolving as I sit observing and absorbing… internalising all of it… hardly recalling who I was at the outset.

Cycles of content and restlessness… anchored by something imperceptible… something of fear and bliss.

Dreaming big… frustrated by wings become clipped… fluttering, stretching, straining… against the weight of it… against the limits of this barbed-wire cage… aching to soar and flit… to be free of this Dunya and to reconnect with the Source of it; with my Creator… to be where He is.

Longing to melt back into what I was created with, free of this restrictive life-form, which keeps me repeatedly ensnared… in this barbed-wire world… swept by the sway of each directional breeze; never truly at ease… struggling hard to find the courage just to be.

Should have known

I loved him even though I should have known better.
I should have known because he told me from the outset.
Told me he was damaged beyond repair.
He laughed about it.

I should have known because the writing was on the wall that he pinned me against.
I should have known.
I should be able to let go.

But I lie here with our daughter’s small warm feet nestled against my own
and my head fit to implode
at his remembrance
and the magnitude of the warped reality
that my mind can’t quite hold

27.04.2016

I came to Islam after a lifetime of instability, uncertainty and ‘searching’… sometimes my searching was conscious, if not active or decided, and sometimes it was nothing more than a longing for connection; leading me in all but the desirable direction.

I wandered and strayed, had adventures and made mistakes. I experienced the exhilaration of reckless abandon; and the consequences of it. I tasted betrayal and abandonment, all manner of pain and confusion and resiliently ‘bounced back’ each time, seemingly no closer to the truth

As the flutters quickened within I became more certain in my being than I had ever been that there was an Originator… a Creator… this ‘happening’… this miracle unfolding… was too incredible to all have been by chance… all credit, as due, I attributed to One beyond my comprehension… suffice to say I was convinced of ‘something’, yet I didn’t truly seek to understand.

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