Transient

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This morning I awoke acutely aware of my first-born’s imminent departure from the childish realm of single-digits and ‘childhood’ into double digits and everything that lies in store for him during the next decade of his life in this Dunya in sha Allah. I look forward, with trepidation, to the time… to entering a new era together… a sense of optimism that is tinged with fear, that I may not rise to the challenge and ever truly become the mother I thought I would be to him; and sadness and regret, at the ways and numerous times that I have undoubtedly failed him.

In many ways it feels like a fresh start and in others like the loss of the baby that I’ve loved so much and erroneously thought I’d always have to hold; the gift and blessing of whom I often took for granted… and now he’s half-way grown… and I feel like I’m watching sand running through an hourglass. I want the time back. I want to do every moment over. I want to cradle him in my arms again for the very first time, skin-to-skin; brand-new, warm, trusting and wise, and to gaze again for the very first time into his beautiful baby face and soulful, knowing eyes. I want to go back to when I had never wronged him or let him down and bask in the unspoiled beauty of that indescribable encounter once again, unblighted by my perpetual guilt and the pain of perceived loss, his and mine.

It is as though in his reaching this milestone I have caught my first real glimpse of the terrible truth I had previously been willfully blind to… that we must one day take leave of one another… and the stark reality is that I have foolishly wasted countless precious moments, locked in the depths of my own fears and frustrations, sombre moods and pensive mind… when instead I could have been rejoicing in his company. These realisations make my heart ache but equally fill me with determination not to waste another minute… not to allow those past  years to have been in vain but rather to learn from the irrevocable and this near anguish within me; to take it as a lesson, hard-learned, and to let it serve as a powerful reminder of the temporality of life and the finite nature of our time.

17.08.2016

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Weekly Photo Challenge: The Road Taken

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Early one morning last December my children and I were out walking our usual well-beaten path when we were surprised to see billowing smoke rising in the air not too far ahead of us. As we drew closer to the apparent source of it we were suddenly  greeted with a loud noise, which we couldn’t identify at first but after a moment discerned to be a steam-train, setting out from our local station. Although we couldn’t see the train itself from our vantage point we stopped and stood watching the tell-tale smoke-trail; turning to follow it with our eyes as it passed the length of the promenade before rounding the headland, South-bound and out of sight.

Weekly Photo Challenge: The Road Taken

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This place that I know intimately remains mysterious.
Sea air and gull cries, stone and salt breeze, sunset and sunrise…
if not here then where can I be at ease?

This place I can’t disentangle my spirit from…
that I long to escape…
remains dear to me,
bound to it by my history, nostalgically.
Pebble beach and grey sand

A sense of bodilessness…
Anchorless and unmoored,
yearning for a place of rest… and for reprieve…
from my restive soul’s badgering,
from thinking and thoughts clamouring,
from the ‘making-sense-of’
and the constant heart’s-hammering
and the considering… which way to turn.

If not here, which place could possibly hold me;
subdue my restlessness;
quell my disquietude;
enfold me and console me?

My sanctuary,
a retreat,
and a reference point for my soul.
My shelter and my bolt-hole,
the perfect layover…
on my way home.

Silhouette of rock, black in the fast-fading light… jutting out into the sea, turned silver by the approaching twilight. Lights twinkle on the distant headland, which lies against a backdrop of burnt orange sky.

A sleek body breaks the surface of the water, turns, still submerged, and disappears again. It retains its anonymity and, for all my eyes strain on the spot, the only perceivable sign of its presence are a few faint, receding, ripples… Allahu alam where it’s gone; melted back into its watery domain.

I remain seated on the stones, drinking in the evening air and sea sounds. I cast glances at my children throwing pebbles into the darkening waves, growing ever-more quiet on the damp shore; racing one another half-heartedly; content despite the death-knell to summer that the cool air sounds.

I sit here dreaming dreams and forming plans for a future I may never witness but would love to see. The water awakens and thrills me; inspires and rejuvenates me; soothes me, heart, soul and mind… I struggle to tear myself away from its majesty.

I’ll sit for one more moment and soak in its perfection… and the perfection of this moment… before we return once more to the place we call home… to sleep and dream of the sea.

25.08.2016

Open Road

The deserted road, like the weeks ahead, stretches out before us and the wind tosses our hair as shadows lengthen and evening approaches. Against the distant skyline stand the mountains… our destination and the unknown. We’ll reach our journey’s end under cover of darkness and watch the sun reappear from a new and unfamiliar vantage point in sha Allah. Life calls, adventure awaits and my two young companions are high on anticipation, alternating between the chatter of plans-in-the-making and the quietude of drinking it all in. I am filled with joyful contentment, and love… I could stay like this with them, in this moment, on this road, forever. My heart swells with gratitude to Allah… for these children, for this feeling, for bringing me to this through the years of pain, anguish and overwhelm… for supporting me even when I deserved His rebuke, for spurring me on when I had no more strength, for making me strong again through Him… for His guidance, His mercy… for stripping me of my attachment to this life, in order that I could learn to attach myself to Him and become whole, for this open road, for it all… my emotions rise as the sun starts to set and slip from view and I thank Him from my deepest core, from the depths of my bruised but happy heart.

19/08/2016

Rotten Apples

The words evoke a pungent smell of dank leaves and windfalls… memories of an orchard years before… a childhood recollection long forgotten but suddenly reawakened from the depths of my consciousness, where it has lain dormant, buried beneath the decades and the layers of debris that have settled. Unexpectedly unearthed now the sweet, heavy scent of rotten apples rises in my nostrils for a moment and scenes flit soundlessly across my mind’s eye; dappled sunshine on leaf-strewn grass, standing self-consciously amongst the trees with the neighbours’ children as their father speaks with the farmer, more fruit than we can carry gathered in our jumpers, piling into the back of their beat-up car to return home with bags of green and rubied treasures.

26.08.2016

Little girl

Baby child with eyes indescribable, how should I love you? I love you to the point of heartbreak, your impossibly sweet face, defiance and tight braid… or silky cascade… one moment loving arms and adventure; gurgling laugh belying the carefree innocence of your age… the next tornado-like and bristling with unchecked rage… flashing gaze… catching me unawares and leaving me afraid… How do I rear you? I who am fractured, perhaps beyond hope of effective repair… how can I nurture your wildflower soul and your fearsome bright spirit without curbing or caging you?

You are breathtakingly, utterly, painfully beautiful. From the very first day indomitable. I fought for you… terror struck at the thoughts of losing you, so tiny, so perfect, and so brand new… so vulnerable…my daughter. You resemble me… with an essence of him… yet you’re just all your own… unlike anyone I’ve ever known. I’m in awe of you, humbled beyond comprehension that Allah chose me for you… overwhelmed by the sense that I don’t know what to do… fiercely protective, convinced that I’m failing, unsure how to guard you from the world seeking to tame you.  Continue reading