Struggle

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Two opposing realities… where one is just a dream, the other a fantasy.
Is it your blind faith or your hopelessness?
What do I represent to you?
‘Nothing else in the Dunya has any worth’
Is it because I showed you love?

Nothing by chance. Qadr Allah.
What significance to our meeting?
The implosion of two hurt souls.
A child so beautiful to behold.
What is she owed?

This pressure in my brain… the knowledge of what must unfold
A certainty against a backdrop of the untold.
A resolution of the irrevocable… is this all still just impossible?

Faith in Allah for ‘verily He loves those who place their trust in Him.’
My head spins
At the magnitude… at the certitude… at the fact that you have become ‘that’ you.
Who am I to question your path?
Who am I to ask?
Have we reached an impasse?

‘You could never love someone like me’ you screamed in the dark;
Enraged at the wrongs that crushed your soul…
But the heart knows-
I did love you and all I wanted was to hold, console and make you whole… to fill that gaping hole.

‘Tell me now that you hate me!’
But I could not let you go,
Clinging to you as you clung to me with your desperate choke-hold;
Forcing me to go, willing me to know…

Destructive cycles, self-fulfilling prophecies of old… pushing me away to prove that I would go,
Learning too late that the flagellation couldn’t break that heart-hold.
Putting distances of miles, centuries and insurmountables between us only to be told-
‘I love you and I never let you go’
Even apart I always felt your soul.

What we had wasn’t based on unity.
Its roots were firmly sunk in agony.
Did you ever even love me?
I can feel that nothing much remains…
Of what it used to be…
No longer ‘devotion’… a pulling away.

Do I even want you to stay?
What would it take?
A total annihilation of self…
Then who would I be?
If all of me was effaced.

You threw it all away.
Should I relinquish who I was created to be?
This life is not a game.
Should I exist merely as an accessory to your pain?

You’ve lost interest…
As I knew that you would- all along…
As I knew that you would once you had attained your goal…
Regained control…
Only Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has a claim to my soul.

Can I pick up where I left off when I put my life back on hold
Move back into the light…
Back towards the unknown…
This darkness depletes me
Stay or go

Living through my own recurring worst nightmare…
this doesn’t feel like that dream…
Where I lie in your arms and your love for me covers me…
Where you’d swallow your whole pride whole not to damage me…
Where you’d take on the whole wide world… just to ‘stand by me’…

I don’t know what scares me most…
Is it the eternally being without you?
Or that you just might let me go?
Or is it the stepping out into that black hole?

In truth you’re already gone and were never really here
I was always fighting this battle alone.
A beautiful dream; heart-breakingly painful to recall…
Like a mirage it has always been unrealised;
Spurring me on… to my own demise.

So…

The question then isn’t how I can change you but whether I can ‘sustain’ you
Or whether I’ll sever the chains that bind my soul.
And finally, achingly, truly let you go…

I don’t yet know

2014

Hayya ‘ala-l- falah

I remember waking in the still-dark early morning… becoming aware of its melodious pull as consciousness slowly resumed. I smiled involuntarily in the sleepy warmth of the unlit room as the stirring call reverberated in the hollow of my chest.

Even now the memory evokes the same glad euphoria that washed over me and ran through every inch of every cell of my body… a blissful awakening… an unexplained elation and gratitude at having woken to it once again.

It called me and I felt it.

Something deep inside me recognised it, though I didn’t know it then… though I neither understood nor sought to understand its message or the significance of those unfamiliar syllables … of those poignant beckonings, which resonated with that force that lives within… with that self, submerged and subdued by life, physicality and the wandering lostness of the thinking mind.

It called me home… called me, though I knew it not, to my life’s purpose…

It called me from sleep and to success.